And I Put My Faith In Something I Know…I’m Living On Such Sweet Nothing….

My siblings and I....I can always count on them for a laugh. August 2013

"It isn't easy for me to let it go
Cause I've swallowed every single word
And every whisper, every sigh
Eats away this heart of mine
And there is a hollow in me now

So I put my faith in something unknown
I'm living on such sweet nothing
But I'm tired of hope with nothing to hold
I'm living on such sweet nothing"

"Sweet Nothing"- Calvin Harris/Florence Welch

My annual family reunion was when I planned on telling everyone about our split. I was anticipating the sorrowful looks and so, I went in head first. But I was looking good and feeling good (minus the nasty hangover I was suffering from), and was ready to talk about it. My cottage was filled to the brim with a ton of family who had already heard what happened.

Wow, good news travels fast…thanks Mom.

I was met with several reactions. My Italian grandmother greeted me with “Sei troppo buona per lui. Fare bene nella tua carriera e di trovare qualcuno che fa bene e ti ama!” (Translation: “You’re too good for him. Do well in your career and find someone who does well and loves you”). Smart lady, that one. Her and my grandfather came to Canada in the 1950s for a better life for their family. And they succeeded. Three successful children, and seven grandchildren (6 girls and 1 boy), all educated and doing well in their respective careers. How was I supposed to let her down?

The general consensus from my family was that it had gone on too long without commitment; that I was better off, and that I would find someone soon. I knew that. It was no secret. I spent the day with my cousins discussing the events that had transpired during those couple of weeks, and listened to their tales of lost loves, breakups and relationship failures. My family knows their shit. All my cousins have gone through their fair share of relationship bullshit in their lives and had some very sound advice to give. They’re a smart bunch of ladies (Yup, along with my second cousins, we’re all women with the exception of my brother. Lucky guy).

But my cousin’s husband was the only one who didn’t share the same sentiment. As I went through the day confirming that I would never get back together with my ex, "A" had something different to say.

“Are you absolutely sure that you’d never consider getting back with him? Not for anything, he’s a good guy, and maybe you both just need a break. Eleven years is a long time.”

Abso-fucking-lutely NOT!

Wait…what? I just spent the day reassuring myself and my family that it was over. Done. I wouldn’t even CONSIDER a reunion with my ex.

“Listen, before you throw out any possibilities of getting back together, take the time to make a list; a list of things about yourself that you’ll never change, even when you’re 60 years old. Like, mine, for instance. I love buying watches. I’ll never stop. Make your list and then make your decision. Think about it long and hard…things you’ll never compromise, things that make you who you are. Then get together with him. After eleven years, he at least owes you a coffee. And the worst that can happen is that you both figure out what went wrong in the relationship and understand what you need in your next one, whether it’s with each other or someone else.”

Damn. This guy was good. I figured I knew what I wanted for my future relationship and had it tucked away in a filing cabinet in the archives of my brain. But I never considered actually writing it down and taking the time to really look at what it was I wanted and wouldn’t change for anyone.

The day ended well. Filled with a lot of delicious Italian food (and Mexican food, thanks to my awesome Tia) and good family fun, I was content. Even though I had a short run-in with my (still sorta-angry) ex at a mutual friends’ event, I was feeling good (and looking fab). I drove home alone, basking in the moment and listening to The Neighbourhood and MS MR again. Traffic was horrendous, but it didn’t matter. I took my time and wasn’t in a rush to get anywhere. I just wanted to think about The List. 

I got home that night, showered, got into bed and began:

1.      Never compromise my goals and beliefs for anyone.

2.      Constantly surround myself with family.

3.      Never feel like I’m trying too hard to be someone I’m not.

4.      Never feel as if I’m pushing someone.

5.      Never feel anxious or unsure of my life. I’m in a good place right now and should always take care of my own needs before anyone else’s.

6.      Never stop doing the things I love because of someone else.

7.      Never lose sight of who I am, what I believe in, and what I deserve.

8.      Never get taken advantage of.

9.      Never let anyone make me feel worthless, and fight for what I deserve.

10.   Find a partner who’s:

·        Strong, goal-oriented,  and successful

·        Can take care of me when I need it

·        Supports me

·        Is silly with me

·        Will dance with me (no matter how ridiculous he looks)

·        Shares in the things I love to do

·        Smart and makes logical decisions

·        Loves me for who I am

·        Constantly works to make our relationship better

·        Takes initiative

·        Who is my equal

·        Wants to be with me and make me happy.

It took me 10 minutes to make the list.

And I knew there could be no chance for reconciliation between us. Two out of twelve points was not a good score.

MUSIC: “Fantasy”, “Hurricane” & “Head Is Not My Home” by MS MR, “Let It Go”, “W.D.Y.W.F.M?” & “Flawless” by The Neighbourhood, “Panic Switch” by Silversun Pickups, “This Is The Best” by U.S.S., “The Chain” by Fleetwood Mac

MOOD: Content, relaxed, accepting, exhausted, hungover (is this considered a mood?)