"You're too mean, I don't like you. Fuck you anyways.
You make me want to scream, at the top of my lungs.
It hurts, but I won't fight you. You suck anyways.
You make me want to die, right when I...wake up, I'm afraid, somebody else might take my place..."
"Afraid"- The Neighbourhood
The brilliant little Cali-based band who brought us "Sweater Weather". I heard the song over and over on the radio before, and liked it, but never pursued the band.
During the week that I had my revelations about myself and my recently-doomed relationship, I heard another track from their album "I Love You". Ironic, eh??
The track was called "Afraid'. And it rang all too true. I immediately sampled the rest of the album. And I fell in love.
This was a major breakthrough for me. Not only was the album an exact indication of my feelings and emotions, but I had started to explore new music again. And enjoying what I was hearing.
That weekend I headed up to our cottage (or, Summer Home, as most of you would probably call it). All my cousins were heading up for the weekend, and the rest of the family was coming up on the Sunday. This was the weekend I was planning to break the news to everyone.
At this point, I was working out on a regular basis, seeing great results, taking care of myself a little more than I was before, and started getting my appetite back. I had even hung out with a few new acquaintances (if you catch my drift), and I was beginning to feel validated. I was feeling really good. Optimistic, as a few may say.
I drove up alone, just me and my MINI, listening to the The Neighbourhood. I was relaxed, and relating to every word out of Jesse Rutherford's mouth. I remembered long ago, when I used to love taking long drives alone and listening to a good album. I found the album content oddly coincidental and deep, even if the songwriter was a whole 21 years of age. I was in a really, really good place.
One particular song really got me. "Afraid" as displayed above. Just listen to it. You would think that a song like this would totally undo any progress I was making. But it didn't.
I hated him. Couldn't stand him. Didn't even want to communicate with him, see him, even think about him. But as much as I was feeling this, I couldn't stand the thought of him being with someone else...
...until I really thought about it and realized that, if someone really wanted to put up with the shit I had for eleven years, they would have some VERY big shoes to fill.
So, best of luck with that. After all, I had started seeing a few people here and there, so he absolutely had every right to do the same thing.
The anger subsided into a major self-esteem boost for me, and I started to embrace my inner music geek and live in the moment.
MUSIC: I Love You by The Neighbourhood, Secondhand Rapture by MS MR, Waste of Time by MǾ
MOOD: Elated, Relaxed, Nervous, Anxious, Optimistic
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