Hurt, Sad, Alone, Worthless...

Wining and...wining with my super friends. August 2013

I can't even describe the pain I was going through after everything was said and done. I met up with him during his dinner break to "talk", but all day, I knew where the conversation was going. So, we met up, had "the talk", and that was that. At that point, I didn't even know what to feel. Funny thing is, he couldn't actually say the words "it's over". I had to ask him. He just had to agree. He couldn't even give me the respect to come right out and say it. I think that's where most of the hurt came from.

"Is it over? Are we doing this? Is it done?"

"I think so."

"What do you mean 'you think so'? Yes or no?"

...a nod of the head 'yes'.

"Get the fuck out of my car. Now".

So, I sped home, called my closest friends, and within the hour, I had about 8 people surrounding me as I cried and chain-smoked the evening away. I called my boss and told him I wasn't coming in the next day.

Then Facebook happened. Oh, this age of social media and text messaging...if I could do it all over again, I would have given my phone to my friends and told them to keep it away from me. Far, far away. I was so angry, sad, hurt, distraught, traumatized, confused, and a little drunk (thanks to my brothers' best friend, who stopped to get some wine before coming over), that I played the Facebook game by proclaiming "After eleven years, it's the end of an era." Within minutes, I had a ton of sympathizers and surprised reactions from a pretty large group of people. So, another glass of wine later, I sent my newly-minted ex a barrage of angry text messages stemming from the dialogue being told to me by my friends and family. Again. Bad, bad idea. 

All I wanted to do was make him feel as worthless and rejected as I was feeling. It didn't do neither myself nor him any good at this point. Whether this was a break as he had described, or a full-on break-up, my chances of reuniting with him were severely diminishing. And at this point, I wasn't even re-evaluating the relationship. Only feeling guilt for the so-called pain I had caused him to be unhappy in the relationship. I was feeling like shit and hoping to God that he was, too. But I knew he wasn't.

So, this was my initial shock and trauma. Apparently the first phase of the grieving process...we'll get to the psycho stalking ex-girlfriend in the next post...

MUSIC: None. Couldn't handle the radio.
EMOTION: Anger, hurt, shock, nauseous, anxious, disbelief