I Was Raised Up To Be Admired…I’ll Fight My Own Bravado

Couldn't resist....appropriately named! August 2013

"'Cause I was raised up

To be admired, to be noticed

But when you're withdrawn

It's the closest thing

To a soap when our lives are on you

This will not do

I'm thinking glory

Lick my lips, toss my hair

And send a smile over

And the story's brand new

That I can take it from here

I'll find my own bravado."

"Bravado"- Lorde

That week was a real eye-opener for me. I spent so much time in the past eleven years ignoring male attention and suppressing my natural ability to socialize freely. I was in a happy place with my ex, and didn't feel like I needed much around me in terms of human interaction. I had him. I had met quite a few people that he had connected with in his various industries that I considered acquaintances, and as long as that made my ex happy, it was fine by me. But I had a hard time making my own friends.

I had my close circle of gal pals that I would hang out with on a regular basis. They consisted of Amanda (as mentioned previously), my best friend Melissa, whom I met in elementary school, and (funny enough) a few friends that I had reconnected with from high school. I had begun seeing my old high school friends on a more than regular basis, which should have been an indication of things to come. Even before the epic dumping, I was opening myself up to renewed friendships and really understanding what was out there.

The Saturday after we had broken up, I had asked my ex to get together to talk. He agreed. Before I proceeded to meet him, I had to get gas and try and get rid of the bug guts that had taken over my windshield. As I was struggling to rub off their carcasses with the less-than-efficient squeegee, I heard from behind me:

“Can you do my windows after you’re done yours?”

Fucking creeper. Was this what I had to look forward to being single? I turned around and discovered it was a beautiful 30-something man with a pearl white M5 BMW.

I smiled. “Well, if I can get this bug cemetery off my windshield, maybe we can work something out.”

He smiled back with a set of perfect teeth that matched his car.

“You’ve got a cute car there. How do you like driving your MINI?”

“I love it. It’s so much fun to drive.” (And I think love you, too)

“So how about that wash? Or maybe a coffee?”

WHAT?! Here I was about to meet up with my ex to get him back, and this man, who was the TOTAL opposite of said ex, was trying to get my attention. He asked for my number. So I gave it to him. And almost forgot why I was going to talk to my ex in the first place.

It was in this second week that I had my first date that wasn't my ex. At this point in my recovery, I didn't want to start dating just yet, but something told me to get out and begin meeting people. I had been to the concert earlier that week and felt like I had the world at my doorstep. So I agreed to a coffee date. We met up in a small, picturesque, Road-to-Avonlea type village about 10 minutes north of where I lived. He had a cappuccino ready for me by the time I got there.

We had some really good conversation. We talked about everything that wasn’t about fishing or photography. We talked about what we did for a living. We talked about past relationships, dating in general, and the value of staying true to oneself. Maybe it was a match, maybe it wasn’t. The worst that could come out of it all was that I made a new friend. He was intelligent, and although I didn’t feel any sparks (probably because I was still hurting over the breakup), we still talk to this day.

I had picked myself up and dusted myself off pretty well. And there was no need to fight my own Bravado.

MUSIC: “Bravado” by Lorde, “If You Leave” by Daughter, “N/A OK” by U.S.S., “Dark Of The Daylight” by Crash Kings

MOOD: Nervous, Happy, Anxious