And If You Don’t Love Me Now, You Will Never Love Me Again

Said wedding with my best friend, Melissa. We looked smokin'!! August 2013.

"Listen to the wind blow
Watch the sun rise
Run in the shadows
Damn your love
Damn your lies
And if
You don't love me now
You will never love me again
I can still hear you saying
You would never break the chain."
                                                     "The Chain"- Fleetwood Mac

One of the hardest things for anyone who finds themselves newly single after the break-up of a long-term relationship is going through the “firsts” of everything; holidays, special weekends, birthdays, anniversaries….and weddings.

Ughhhh. Less than a few weeks after the split, I had to attend my best friends’ sister’s wedding. My ex was the hired photographer for the day, so naturally we were going to attend together. Pre-split. What were my options, really? Cancel at the last minute, crawl into a hole, and die? Although I was recuperating pretty well, I was NOT ready to go to a wedding, let alone one that he was going to be at…so what was I to do?

Buy a hot dress, get pampered for the first time in forever, and make the entrance of a lifetime. That’s what.

Money was really no option at this point. I put off depositing the bulk of my paycheque into my Savings account as I had done for a year and a half before (with the intention of buying a house or planning a wedding), and used it towards bringing out my inner, newly-single Goddess. Besides, the wedding was full of people I knew well, so I was going to have fun. Weddings are a celebration of the commitment and love between two people…even if your love-life had come crashing down around you two weeks prior.

After the ceremony that morning (and seeing my ex again), I went by the brides house to give my well wishes to the family and headed home.  I showered and did a deep cleansing facial mask that I had sitting in my bathroom cabinet for ages. It felt refreshing. My skin was clear and irritation free (from the constant stubble my ex had taken to sporting), and I had noticed a new glow. I went to get a mani/pedi for the first time in almost a year and a half. I relaxed and listened to my iPod as I remembered how much I enjoyed the exfoliating leg massage. Then I got my hair and makeup done. Because I could. I had no one to answer to, text, check up on or report to.

As I settled into the makeup chair for my appointment, the makeup girl asked me what I wanted, what colour I was wearing, etc etc etc.

“Listen. I’m going to be totally honest with you. I’m going to a wedding tonight that my ex-boyfriend of eleven years is going to be at. I need to look good.”

My makeup girl stopped rushing to get her makeup brushes ready and turned to me.

“Oh my God. You don’t understand how much I love hearing that. Forget what I just said. We’re going to make you look hot!”

I walked out looking like a new person. This girl knew her shit. I rushed home, got my dress on, and looked at myself in the mirror. All I that went through my head were the words of the Veronica’s super-break up anthem:

“Revenge Is Sweeter Than You Ever Were.”

His double-take as I walked into the reception line was all worth it. I caught him glancing several times as he went through his evening. He couldn't even muster up the courage to say hi to me, or my date (okay, he was my best friends’ boyfriend, and a good friend of mine). I had to be one to say hi to him first.

So I dropped a casual “Hey, how’s it going?”

He looked thrilled to hear from me. “Good, how are you?” He then proceeded to pull up a chair in between my friend and me and start showing us the photos he took throughout the day. 

Interesting.

That wasn't an invitation to have a seat and be social. But my goodness, did he ever look and smell good. He always looked good in formal wear. I loved it when he dressed like that. I loved how his shoulders and arms looked in dress shirts, and how his strong legs looked in dress pants.

But I quickly snapped myself out of it, and turned my thinking towards how good I looked, and perhaps how much he missed me at that moment. And I began to enjoy myself again. I got up and danced the whole night, in my heels. I reminded myself that I had no one sitting and waiting for me at the table, and that I was in charge of no one but myself. I was able to leave when I wanted to, go out to smoke when I wanted to, and drank when I wanted to. 

For the first time in a really long time, I had a great time at a wedding. I looked good, felt good, and wasn’t worried about how much my feet hurt at the end of the night. I had a blast.

He left without so much as a goodbye that night. I remembered how we used to meet up after he was done a wedding. I didn’t even want to think about who he might have been meeting up with after this one.

But I let it go. It didn’t matter. I just thinking about the lyrics from MS MR’s “Fantasy”.

“Let myself down each time. How could it be what I wanted to see, how could you be what I wanted you to be…and my reality could never live up to my Fantasy…”

MUSIC: “Sweet Nothing” by Calvin Harris, “Fantasy” by MS MR

MOOD: Happy, Confident, Independent, Sad