But I Won't Ever Let Them Make A Loser Of My Soul

It's true! September 2013

"Hey, I'm not Synthetica,
I'll keep the life that I've got,
So hard, hard to resist Synthetica,
No drug is stronger than me, Synthetica
We're all the time confined to fit the mold
But I won't ever let them make a loser of my soul"

"Synthetica" by Metric

I always struggled with my weight. Ever since being bullied in elementary school, I always had body issues right up to now. When I started dating my ex at 19, I was probably at my most comfortable. I wasn't skinny at any rate, but I was small and curvy (these hips ain't goin' nowhere!) at roughly 135 lbs. I was happy with myself and my ex loved my attributes as well. We had been dating for about 6 months before I began to balloon, and at my heaviest (probably in the second year of our relationship), I weighed in at almost 190 lbs. Now, I check in at a whole 5'2", so you can imagine what I looked like. My ex had struggled with his weight as well. He was always a big guy, but I guess since we were happy, it didn't matter what we looked like to each other.

As soon as I saw that number, I immediately began a cleanse. I got myself down to 150 lbs, and managed to keep the fluctuation between 145 and 160 lbs. A few years ago, my ex decided to start a healthy lifestyle, and lost over 100 lbs. I was so proud of him. I wasn't too bad at that point, but I had started attending the same gym as him for moral support. 

His weight slowly crept back up again, but only around his belly. I had made a comment to him about how I was concerned about his health, and made the point that he wasn't any less attractive to me. I had heard that fat around the belly leads to high cholesterol and increased chance of heart attack, so naturally, I made the plea for him to just watch himself. It was in no way an attack to his physique. I loved big, burly guys. It didn't bother me.

Fast forward to one of our many breakup conversations, and this guy had the nerve to bring up this conversation from long ago. 

"You told me I was fat and that you weren't attracted to me. I was always attracted to you."

Was there even a point in fighting this? Apparently I was the one with the listening issues. I had clearly expressed concern for his health, NOT the way he looked. He never gave me shit for how I looked, so why would I do the same? I didn't respond to the accusation. And then I made my decision to commit to a lifestyle change, and lose my own "last 10 lbs" for good. That is often the best revenge in a break up. It doesn't have to be catty or manipulative or destructive. Bettering yourself is often enough.

One co-worker asked me one day. "How much weight have you lost in total?"

I replied sarcastically. "Roughly 330 lbs."

"What?!"

"Yeah...300 lbs of ex-boyfriend, and 30 lbs of my own..."

I'm happy to say, that at the one-month mark of my breakup, I am at 141 lbs, down from 155 lbs, and down from 171 lbs when I began this change in December. Three inches from my waist, an inch and a half from my thighs, and two inches from my stomach. This is probably the thinnest I've been in eleven years.

I'm sure the stress had something to do with the rapid weight loss over the last month, but I'm trying to maintain the healthiest lifestyle possible. The last thing to do in any breakup situation is to let a man (and a man that doesn't deserve you, no less) to affect your mental and physical health.

I got a further boost when the owner of my gym stopped me one day on my way into the changeroom. 

"How's it going? You're doing great, by the way. Looking really good and healthy. You were mentioned in our trainers roundtable meeting this morning. Keep up the good work!"

That made my entire evening. For the gym staff, who sees hundreds of toned, hard bodies a day, to notice, was exhilarating. Even my co-workers had started to notice and comment that I was looking great..."different" as a few had put it. 

"What's your secret? What have you been doing?" asked one.

"Honestly, the best weightloss advice I can give is....get dumped!"

MUSIC (gym music): "Around The World", "Da Funk" by Daft Punk, "18 Months" album by Calvin Harris, "The Heist " album by Macklemore, "Save Rock and Roll" album by Fallout Boy

MOOD: Confident, Sexy, Happy, Optimistic, Determined