We Are Ready For The Seige, We Are Armed Up To The Teeth

Feeling good. September 2013

"Be careful how you live and breathe.
release what's brewing underneath.

How many times do you wanna die?
How many ways do you wanna die?
To feel safe again look over your shoulder.
Very carefully, look over your shoulder."

The Royal We- Silversun Pickups

Confidently speaking, this week has been good so far. I felt like I was reverting back to a lot of emotions that I had gone through earlier in the month, but my therapist assured me that this was all normal. She had said the following, which will stick with me forever:

"Minfulness is a practice where you need to stop and just feel your emotions. Fighting them will just prolong healing. Once you've acknowledged those feelings, they'll begin to subside. And emotions always subside in time. Acceptance is a sign of moving on. But Forgiveness isn't. That will happen on it's own, but it doesn't mean you're not moving forward."

Why didn't I start seeing a therapist sooner? It doesn't mean you're crazy, it means that you've acknowledged the fact that there are things that you need to fix about yourself or your relationship.

I also knew that I had to acknowledge my part in the demise of my relationship. My inability to be a conscious listener eventually drove my partner to have an emotional affair with someone else. This was the commonality when we split last year for a brief time. He found another "friend" that he was having a deeper emotional connection with, and felt that he didn't need me. I thought I had understood at the time what it was I had to change, but I didn't. Now, with a little professional intervention, I truly understand what my shortcomings were in our relationship. And I can fix them for my next one!

So, aside from the gym, another promise I made to myself was to start taking part in the things I always loved to do. So, aside from joining my parents' bowling league (those church people really know how give that ball a good verbal lacing), I've decided that I'm finally going to learn the violin, take some modern and lyrical dance classes, and join up in an indoor soccer league and women's hockey. This is my practice to staying true to myself. I will no longer sacrifice my inner joy and balance so that someone else can chase their dreams.

I was at war with myself for so long that I became numb to everyone and everything around me. I became so preoccupied with the future that the present was passing me by. I need to learn to take in each moment, acknowledge my emotion (the good, AND the bad), and really understand my present place. Planning for the future is okay, but when it consumes you and that's all you think about, it can be very toxic.

I'm learning this practice through a book called "The Mindfulness Solution". Try it. It takes work, but you can almost feel the effect instantly.

Before you can love someone else, you need to love yourself.

MUSIC: "In A Perfect World" by Kodaline, "If You Leave" by Daughter, "Anthems for the Damned" by Filter, "Swoon" by Silversun Pickups

MOOD: A little sad, but Optimistic, Pensive, Happy