This Is The Best, My Head Is Such A F**king Mess

Bindertwine Park, Humber River Trail. August 2013

"Well I woke up on a Monday

I've been feeling pretty wired

I've been wide awake since Wednesday

I was feeling so inspired

By the state of my own execution

Drop me 'cause I can't let go."

"This Is The Best"- U.S.S.

I woke up on Sunday morning feeling inspired. To do what?  Who cares! I could've sprayed Pledge on the hardwood upstairs and slid across it all day, like we used to do as kids (until my mom slipped on it one day and gave us the spanking of our lives). I had the whole day to myself. My parents were at the cottage, my sister was at her boyfriends, and my brother was out riding.

I decided against Pledge-surfing, made myself a protein-packed breakfast and headed out to my favourite trail. I was taking very well to doing things alone. I needed this time to just focus on myself and “do me”. I had spent a lot of time talking everything out with family and friends the last couple of weeks, and now I was happy to be by myself. I felt at peace.

I usually came to this specific hiking trail with friends as a change of scenery from the gym, but it was different when I went alone. I walked at my own pace, listened to my music, and just thought. I thought about things like what my ex was up to (Fuck. Get out of my head, Bro!), what had transpired over the last few weeks, the advice that people had been giving me, how much I had advanced in my recovery, "Buddy" from the gym (LOL!), how I forgot to pay my toll bill (Dammit) and what lay ahead for me.

And then I thought about how I should just stop thinking and enjoy the walk. I put on Bastille’s “Bad Blood” album and took in every lyric. As I walked through the part of the trail that cut through the McMichael Art Gallery, I suddenly became aware that I was surrounded by artists. I looked at all their pieces and mediums; pencil and charcoal drawings, pastel, paint. It was refreshing to see something like this. I remembered my art drawer at home filled with all kinds of supplies and wondered why I stopped drawing, painting, sculpting and jewellery designing. That stuff had been sitting there for so long that I probably had to throw most of it out.

I realized that I had given up so much of my creativity because I was too busy backing my ex up in his artistic endeavours. I had none left for myself. I was too exhausted to even think about pursuing my own artistic passions because I so badly wanted him to be happy doing what he loved to do. I had no time to waste doodling, because I had to work to back us up financially. The last thing I wanted was for him to resent me in the future because I hadn’t allowed him to make a real go at being a musician. And in the end, it somehow backfired on me anyways.

Funny how this subtle life lesson (and further reminder of why I’d never get back with my ex) had crept its way into an otherwise event-free hike. 

I finished my walk and headed home. I decided on a nap (okay, I failed to mention that I woke up a tad hungover) and a movie (“So I Married An Axe Murderer”). Good choice. I woke up, showered, and got back into the car. I still had trouble spending too much time at home, so I decided on a long drive to Belfountain. I loved the drive and had been there on several Sunday afternoons with my ex, so it was time to reclaim it as my own.

It was a lovely drive. The weather was perfect. I drove slowly throughout the Forks of the Credit and deliberately got a little lost. No one was there to tell me where to go or tell me the same fucking story about “the trout caught at this part of the river on this type of fly” or how “those people shouldn't be fishing there”.

Gorgeous.

“I’ve never been so ready for this,” I thought to myself. “I can do this.”

MUSIC: “Pompeii”, “Things We Lost In The Fire”, “These Streets” by Bastille, “Secondhand Rapture” by MS MR, “Waste of Time” by Mø, “Set It Off”, “Revelations”, “Show Me How To Live” by Audioslave, "This Is The Best" by U.S.S.

MOOD: Enlightened, Happy, Relaxed, Optimistic