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| First night out with one of my besties...the happily single Amanda! And I just realized this filter makes me look like I have a beard...August 2013 |
"Shouldn't try to fix it if it keeps getting better,
Just let it go, forget it for ever and ever and ever
Don't ever resent a letter inside a single word written,
A little change can play lanes with the right vision.
Couldn't tell what would happen next
But as weeks went by look what turned to best.
Let it struggle just a little more,
Let it struggle just a little bit more.
Remember what the people said,
Remember what the people said,
When it's said and done,
Let it go"
"Let It Go"- The Neighbourhood
The second week was still tough, but I was improving rapidly. A little too rapidly. Not that I'm complaining about improving that quickly, but I was concerned that I was inadvertently suppressing emotions that I needed to get out.
During that week, I began to heal my inner-self. I went to see a Medium, my BodyTalk practitioner, and a Therapist.
My medium told me some very interesting things, and called out a lot of my issues. I guess this was my way of reassurance. Of course I take it all with a grain of salt, but it helps to get a little perspective on things, even though it may or may not happen. I went into the appointment fully ready to fight for my ex and win him back, using the "who" as the driving competition (think of it as a Sean Avery-Dion Phaneuf type deal-sloppy seconds). I ended up leaving relaxed, rejuvenated, and happy. Happy. What the hell? That's the moment I began to realize that it wasn't me who was the problem. It was him. And he didn't deserve me. But someone else does.
My BodyTalk session was a great release. BodyTalk is a method of releasing inner emotions stored in your organs to prevent further illness. It's a great method of practicing your breathing, releasing pent up feelings of anger, betrayal, jealousy, and a myriad of other toxic emotions, and just an overall re-balance of the mind and soul. Although I was raised Roman Catholic, I don't consider myself religious. I am however, very spiritual, and believe in the balance of body, mind and soul.
My therapy session was the beginning of "the change". My ex's words kept ringing through my head...
"You'll never change."
"I don't feel comfortable with going to counseling, but if it will help you COPE, I will."
I was so worried about getting him back that I didn't even let these words sink in. I realized it after hashing it out with my therapist, and it hit me: I wasn't the one who had to change, and I was coping just fine.
I did everything for him, took care of him both financially and emotionally. I CHANGED for him. And coming to therapy to help me COPE? It's called "fixing the relationship", not "coping". I sure as fuck never needed him to help me cope with anything, and I sure as shit don't need it now!
Pow! I was the one who had changed. I became a different person because of him. And I totally lost sight of myself and the things I loved to do.
This is why the No-Contact things works. You look back on the relationship and understand what went wrong without outside influence from your ex. You re-evaluate why you want your ex back and most of the time, you really accept the fact that you don't. This is supposed to be the final stage of the grief process.
Acceptance. After...a week-and-a-half??!! That's it?
My therapist told me that was totally normal. That I probably checked out of the relationship long before he pulled the plug. And I think I did. I was sick of pushing him to reach his potential, of backing him up in his career-choice-of-the-day, of being there financially and emotionally for so long, and doing everything for him. He wasn't giving back. And he never would.
Let's be honest here. He was a very sweet, sensitive and loving person. But he was selfish. Completely, and utterly selfish. And I accepted that.
The anxiety and nervousness was gone. I felt new, alive, refreshed, and relaxed.
At that moment, I began to change back to my old, fun-loving, active self again. That Friday night, I treated myself to a brand new (size 8!) dress, and went out for my cousins birthday. I met new people, made new friends, and even began acting silly again.
And I began to rediscover my love of music...
MUSIC: I Love You by The Neighbourhood, Secondhand Rapture by MS MR (great breakup albums)
MOOD: Relaxed, elated, refreshed, at peace
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