But I Don't Mean To Be A Bother....I Don't Need You

View from a pal's apartment. Toronto at night. September 2013

"Someday I will walk away

When time ain't drawing on me like a blade

Back turned to the setting sun

Leaving behind Toronto's incessant hum

‘Cause I was born and raised

To live beyond

The heft and weight

Of a world undone 

But I don’t mean to be a bother

I don’t need you to take my burden away

And I ain’t afraid of dying

Cold and alone"

"Harder Than Stone"- City & Colour

This weekend was the one-month mark of the breakup. With the exception of a few texts here and there, I had no word from my ex. He was obviously keeping busy acting like a child with his new group of infant friends. I guess you would be busy when you're the only one in your social circle with a vehicle. And my old vehicle, at that. That was my venting for this post. I'm done.

Enter my pal Lia.

Always the most logical one of my friends (she's essentially a counselor), she always made the breakup about me, not about my ex. She managed to turn the conversation around when I began to blame myself and pose the same old question:

"Fuck him. What do YOU want? This isn't about him. Forget about what he's doing."

"I want to be happy and have fun for myself for once in my life."

She was brash, but being a full-on Aries, I needed brashness to really get it. In this point of the recovery, I was already starting to feel a little like myself again, but different (if that makes any sense). I wasn't constantly thinking about the breakup and the aftermath for once, and I was really starting to embrace the single life. Social Ven was coming out again, and I was meeting all kinds of new people and doing new things.

Having experienced it, I'm now a firm believer of the "bettering yourself" part of the no-contact process. Now, let's get this straight; I am in no way, shape or form trying to get my ex back. That ship has sailed and I've accepted it. I would LIKE him back, but only for the comfort of having him around. Did he or will he ever realistically bring anything positive back into a possible reunion? Likely not. Besides, I would probably have a hard time getting over the fact that his new best friend is a 21 year old girl. Yes, she's 21, not 23 as I had previously mentioned. This isn't being bitter; this is fact. I rest my case.

Between the gym and the weight loss, getting my hair cut (finally, and properly) for the first time in almost a year, having my nails done on a regular basis, a small wardrobe update, and some significant makeup application pointers, I was really looking good. Don't worry, I'm not becoming a narcissist. But the significant change that I began to see in the mirror in a short period of time was making me far more confident than I'd ever been. And that's what was attracting people to me. Confidence.

Lia took me to an interesting bar down at Yonge and Mount Pleasant in midtown Toronto for some drinks. I seriously can't remember the last time I was at a random bar in the city. New locations, new people, new atmosphere...and a new me. 

We met one of her friends there and began the evening slowly. The conversation was stimulating, humorous....and grown up. There was even a live band playing, but it got too loud to continue our conversation, so we headed out to the patio. We drank, smoked, watched some interesting drama unfold, and met a new group of people. And they all had jobs...like full-fledged, career jobs! They were old acquaintances of our friend and they were making me howl. I was having such a great time that I didn't even notice it was almost 2 am. Imagine that! For the first time in years, I wasn't watching the clock or worrying about getting home at a certain tome. I could feel the positive changes coming over me. 

At the end of our time at the bar, we dropped her friend off at his place downtown and ran in to use the facilities (since the stalls at the bar were practically falling off the hinges). While I was waiting, he invited us out to his balcony. 

Holy shit, what a view.

I captured the above shot and realized how much I loved the city. 

This is where I was meant to be. I had everything going for me...a good job, great friends and family, an awesome personality, and a newfound confidence. I essentially had it all. And there was not a damn thing that I felt like I was missing.

MUSIC: "Born To Die" album by Lana Del Rey, "The Hurry And The Harm" album by City and Colour
MOOD: Nervous, Excited, Confident

But I Won't Ever Let Them Make A Loser Of My Soul

It's true! September 2013

"Hey, I'm not Synthetica,
I'll keep the life that I've got,
So hard, hard to resist Synthetica,
No drug is stronger than me, Synthetica
We're all the time confined to fit the mold
But I won't ever let them make a loser of my soul"

"Synthetica" by Metric

I always struggled with my weight. Ever since being bullied in elementary school, I always had body issues right up to now. When I started dating my ex at 19, I was probably at my most comfortable. I wasn't skinny at any rate, but I was small and curvy (these hips ain't goin' nowhere!) at roughly 135 lbs. I was happy with myself and my ex loved my attributes as well. We had been dating for about 6 months before I began to balloon, and at my heaviest (probably in the second year of our relationship), I weighed in at almost 190 lbs. Now, I check in at a whole 5'2", so you can imagine what I looked like. My ex had struggled with his weight as well. He was always a big guy, but I guess since we were happy, it didn't matter what we looked like to each other.

As soon as I saw that number, I immediately began a cleanse. I got myself down to 150 lbs, and managed to keep the fluctuation between 145 and 160 lbs. A few years ago, my ex decided to start a healthy lifestyle, and lost over 100 lbs. I was so proud of him. I wasn't too bad at that point, but I had started attending the same gym as him for moral support. 

His weight slowly crept back up again, but only around his belly. I had made a comment to him about how I was concerned about his health, and made the point that he wasn't any less attractive to me. I had heard that fat around the belly leads to high cholesterol and increased chance of heart attack, so naturally, I made the plea for him to just watch himself. It was in no way an attack to his physique. I loved big, burly guys. It didn't bother me.

Fast forward to one of our many breakup conversations, and this guy had the nerve to bring up this conversation from long ago. 

"You told me I was fat and that you weren't attracted to me. I was always attracted to you."

Was there even a point in fighting this? Apparently I was the one with the listening issues. I had clearly expressed concern for his health, NOT the way he looked. He never gave me shit for how I looked, so why would I do the same? I didn't respond to the accusation. And then I made my decision to commit to a lifestyle change, and lose my own "last 10 lbs" for good. That is often the best revenge in a break up. It doesn't have to be catty or manipulative or destructive. Bettering yourself is often enough.

One co-worker asked me one day. "How much weight have you lost in total?"

I replied sarcastically. "Roughly 330 lbs."

"What?!"

"Yeah...300 lbs of ex-boyfriend, and 30 lbs of my own..."

I'm happy to say, that at the one-month mark of my breakup, I am at 141 lbs, down from 155 lbs, and down from 171 lbs when I began this change in December. Three inches from my waist, an inch and a half from my thighs, and two inches from my stomach. This is probably the thinnest I've been in eleven years.

I'm sure the stress had something to do with the rapid weight loss over the last month, but I'm trying to maintain the healthiest lifestyle possible. The last thing to do in any breakup situation is to let a man (and a man that doesn't deserve you, no less) to affect your mental and physical health.

I got a further boost when the owner of my gym stopped me one day on my way into the changeroom. 

"How's it going? You're doing great, by the way. Looking really good and healthy. You were mentioned in our trainers roundtable meeting this morning. Keep up the good work!"

That made my entire evening. For the gym staff, who sees hundreds of toned, hard bodies a day, to notice, was exhilarating. Even my co-workers had started to notice and comment that I was looking great..."different" as a few had put it. 

"What's your secret? What have you been doing?" asked one.

"Honestly, the best weightloss advice I can give is....get dumped!"

MUSIC (gym music): "Around The World", "Da Funk" by Daft Punk, "18 Months" album by Calvin Harris, "The Heist " album by Macklemore, "Save Rock and Roll" album by Fallout Boy

MOOD: Confident, Sexy, Happy, Optimistic, Determined

We Are Ready For The Seige, We Are Armed Up To The Teeth

Feeling good. September 2013

"Be careful how you live and breathe.
release what's brewing underneath.

How many times do you wanna die?
How many ways do you wanna die?
To feel safe again look over your shoulder.
Very carefully, look over your shoulder."

The Royal We- Silversun Pickups

Confidently speaking, this week has been good so far. I felt like I was reverting back to a lot of emotions that I had gone through earlier in the month, but my therapist assured me that this was all normal. She had said the following, which will stick with me forever:

"Minfulness is a practice where you need to stop and just feel your emotions. Fighting them will just prolong healing. Once you've acknowledged those feelings, they'll begin to subside. And emotions always subside in time. Acceptance is a sign of moving on. But Forgiveness isn't. That will happen on it's own, but it doesn't mean you're not moving forward."

Why didn't I start seeing a therapist sooner? It doesn't mean you're crazy, it means that you've acknowledged the fact that there are things that you need to fix about yourself or your relationship.

I also knew that I had to acknowledge my part in the demise of my relationship. My inability to be a conscious listener eventually drove my partner to have an emotional affair with someone else. This was the commonality when we split last year for a brief time. He found another "friend" that he was having a deeper emotional connection with, and felt that he didn't need me. I thought I had understood at the time what it was I had to change, but I didn't. Now, with a little professional intervention, I truly understand what my shortcomings were in our relationship. And I can fix them for my next one!

So, aside from the gym, another promise I made to myself was to start taking part in the things I always loved to do. So, aside from joining my parents' bowling league (those church people really know how give that ball a good verbal lacing), I've decided that I'm finally going to learn the violin, take some modern and lyrical dance classes, and join up in an indoor soccer league and women's hockey. This is my practice to staying true to myself. I will no longer sacrifice my inner joy and balance so that someone else can chase their dreams.

I was at war with myself for so long that I became numb to everyone and everything around me. I became so preoccupied with the future that the present was passing me by. I need to learn to take in each moment, acknowledge my emotion (the good, AND the bad), and really understand my present place. Planning for the future is okay, but when it consumes you and that's all you think about, it can be very toxic.

I'm learning this practice through a book called "The Mindfulness Solution". Try it. It takes work, but you can almost feel the effect instantly.

Before you can love someone else, you need to love yourself.

MUSIC: "In A Perfect World" by Kodaline, "If You Leave" by Daughter, "Anthems for the Damned" by Filter, "Swoon" by Silversun Pickups

MOOD: A little sad, but Optimistic, Pensive, Happy

 

I Look At Things Through A Positive Way, It's The Brand New Me

Le Scandinave Spa, where I treated myself to a much deserved massage. September 2013

"I'm kind of surprised I don't feel so bad
When I think about the kind of week I've had
I look at things in a positive way
It's the brand new me as of the other day
And I walk, with the air beneath my feet

It is so much harder to float around
Than it is to hit the ground
I've got to breakthrough
Just let me breakthrough"

"Breakthrough"- Big Wreck

Labour Day long weekend. This was the weekend my ex and I usually escaped to a camping trip by ourselves. Even though we didn't go last year, a part of me still felt that sweet nostalgia. I remember getting to the campsite one year after dark. We were trying to set up our tent in the headlights of the car, and fought the entire time. It was hilarious, actually. In the end, we still ended up wrapped in our sleeping bags and each others' arms, forgetting the recent disagreements.

So, I had to keep busy. I wanted to spend one last long weekend at the cottage before the real end of summer came (usually two weeks after the long weekend up north). I was in need of a peaceful, relaxing few days without anything going on. I was emotionally exhausted from the last few weeks (and some recent texts from my ex), and physically exhausted from pushing myself in the gym and the lack of sleep lately. Even though I was a little nervous going into the weekend with nothing planned, I needed to stop and let myself feel for a little bit.

I still felt a little emotional when I spent time at the cottage alone because I spent so many weekends there with him. In fact, the first time I was up there after we split, I had trouble sleeping in my bed. I usually had a big, burly guy beside (who always took all the blankets!) and I was able to fall asleep soundly. Sleeping in that bed alone brought back fond memories of waking up beside him, refreshed. Most of the time, we just lay there and relaxed for an hour before getting up. I had to sleep with a pillow in the days after.

So, I went on a little shopping outing, just so I could get myself out of the cottage.

Funny thing happened while I was out. I walked out of a store and was met with glances from a small group of guys about 22-24 years old.

One of them shouted behind me. "Hey! You're hot! Wanna come to a house party?"

At first I thought they were talking to someone else. Then, I stopped and turned around. These frat boys were all staring back at me. I was dying of laughter inside.

"Awww, guys, thanks for the invite....but my house party days are over."

God, I felt old at that moment. But the fact that they legitimately thought I was the same age as them was comforting!

I got in the car and drove away, feeling a little cocky at the fact that I was mistaken for some 23 year old college kid.

That weekend I did a lot of reading and writing. I added to this blog and I began my book. I also got a lot of emotions down on paper, just so I could get them out of my head, along with a nasty, unsendable letter to my ex. By Sunday, I had completed an outline, 3 chapters, began 4 chapters of my new book on heartbreak and moving on. In all the years sacrificing my creativity supporting my ex, I finally had some content that I could turn into a creative endeavour...and he had to dump me in order for me to finally express it.

I never put my exercise routine on hold at all for the entire weekend. I continued to get out and run. Running was my release, my escape. And I was quickly getting my stamina back. At this rate, I'll be able to run a 5K in 25 minutes by the Spring! Physical activity was probably a saving grace for me throughout all this horseshit. It released brain chemicals that made things easier to deal with, in turn boosting my mood and outlook on life. Sure, I thought about him a lot during the weekend, but it was more pensive thinking than pining. 

On the holiday Monday, I booked a massage at a Le Scandinave, a local spa in Blue Mountain. My ex and I had planned on coming to this spa several times, but it just never panned out. Probably because we were too busy doing the things he wanted to do. I enjoyed the hot springs/cold baths first and had a (very) short stay in the Eucalyptus steam room. Then I settled into one of the cedar benches in one of the relaxation room, and read my new book "The Mindfulness Solution". Then I went for my massage. It was fabulous. 

My drive home was a little different this time. I felt anxious and nervous, and started missing him again. I had no idea why. I guess I've hit that point in the recovery process where you begin to feel all those emotions over again. Apparently it's normal to start going through the steps of grief again. I just couldn't shake it. I tried so hard to live in the moment. I called a good friend up who had been away for most of the month, and told her the whole ordeal from where we last left off. After venting again, I felt the frustration subside. My friends have provided for very good sounding boards and I appreciated that. We made plans to get out this weekend...some well needed girl time.

"This is your chance to really discover who you are," Lia had said. "It's time to have a 'different' kind of fun."

MUSIC: "I Love You" by The Neighbourhood, "Love Me Again" by John Newman, "If You Leave" by Daughter, "Breakthrough" by Big Wreck
MOOD: Happy, Sad, Frustrated, Nostalgic, Renewed