Break All Those Chains, That Keep You Tethered, That Keep You Safe…

Big Wreck at the CNE. August 2013

"Well is that one night

Going off the grid

I never said you didn't

I never said you did

And all of my favourite stories are about you

Bleed out your heart

If it's still beating for someone else

Break all those chains

That keep you tethered, that keep you safe"

                                   "Wolves"- Big Wreck

Remember how I mentioned all the “firsts” you have to endure after a breakup? And how important it is to reclaim the things you and your ex used to do together as your own? I was on a mission to accomplish both of those this week.

Big Wreck is a local Toronto-based band that I always liked but never followed in their late nineties heyday. My ex re-introduced them to me a little after we started dating, by making me listen to their full albums. I became a huge fan. After the breakup of Big Wreck, lead singer Ian Thornley began a new musical project, aptly titled, “Thornley”. They were probably a little grittier than Big Wreck, but just as melodically pleasing. We must have seen them together at least 50 times, in different venues all over southern Ontario. In 2012, Thornley disbanded and Big Wreck reunited. Again, we saw them a lot. I considered Big Wreck/Thornley “our” band.

So, we fast forward to August 28, 2013. Big Wreck was playing a show at the CNE, and I wanted to go. Or did I? This was a major test for me. I didn’t want to drag one of my friends to see them, and the only one of my pals who would have enjoyed the show with me, Lia, was in Vancouver.

Shit. I really wanted to see them. But I was doing so well at getting over all this bullshit that I didn’t want to be reminded of the great shows we saw as a couple. I loved seeing Big Wreck, mostly because I got to spend time with my ex. Those were some good times. But it was all over now.

In a recent run-in with my ex, I asked him if he was going via casual conversation.

“I don’t know. I don’t have my schedule yet”

“Oh, that’s too bad. I’m going. By myself.”

Dumb comment, Ven. WTF were you thinking? During this conversation, he was still clearly pissed. He gave me a look that said “You’re a loser. I didn’t ask. And I don’t care.”

So I went anyways. Alone! I half-expected to see him there, probably with his cousins. Or worse yet, his new “friend”. I did a half-ass assessment of the crowd, but didn’t see him. Thank God.

I ran into some old friends that I met in the Thornley days, and caught up a bit. They were engaged when we had met them, gotten married, had an adorable baby girl, then unfortunately split. They had their fair share of relationship issues, and knew what was going on with me. But they seemed to put their differences aside and remain good friends for the sake of their daughter, and were both there for their little girl’s first Big Wreck show. That was such a beautiful sight to behold.

Big Wreck roared onto the stage, as always. I felt a little weird standing there by myself, but as I stood there, I remembered why I loved Big Wreck so much. Even though my ex wasn’t there, I enjoyed them as much as I had any other time before that. It was the music! It didn’t matter who I was with, I was able to belt out song after song regardless. And I was having the time of my life! There were no frequent bathroom breaks (my ex seemed to have the bladder of a pregnant woman), no complaining, no whining…nothing! And with that revelation, I welcomed the intuitive glances of the hot guy beside me (“Is she single? Is she with the band?”), and took in one of the best shows I’ve ever seen…right to the end, when they performed their solid cover of Tears For Fears “Shout”.

And that concluded the show. I walked back to my car totally elated. I did it. Big Wreck is now MY band, and I get to expose them to my next, well-deserving suitor.

MUSIC: “Albatross”, “The Pleasure & The Greed”, “In Loving Memory Of…” by Big Wreck

MOOD: Nervous, Happy, Proud, Confident

This Is The Best, My Head Is Such A F**king Mess

Bindertwine Park, Humber River Trail. August 2013

"Well I woke up on a Monday

I've been feeling pretty wired

I've been wide awake since Wednesday

I was feeling so inspired

By the state of my own execution

Drop me 'cause I can't let go."

"This Is The Best"- U.S.S.

I woke up on Sunday morning feeling inspired. To do what?  Who cares! I could've sprayed Pledge on the hardwood upstairs and slid across it all day, like we used to do as kids (until my mom slipped on it one day and gave us the spanking of our lives). I had the whole day to myself. My parents were at the cottage, my sister was at her boyfriends, and my brother was out riding.

I decided against Pledge-surfing, made myself a protein-packed breakfast and headed out to my favourite trail. I was taking very well to doing things alone. I needed this time to just focus on myself and “do me”. I had spent a lot of time talking everything out with family and friends the last couple of weeks, and now I was happy to be by myself. I felt at peace.

I usually came to this specific hiking trail with friends as a change of scenery from the gym, but it was different when I went alone. I walked at my own pace, listened to my music, and just thought. I thought about things like what my ex was up to (Fuck. Get out of my head, Bro!), what had transpired over the last few weeks, the advice that people had been giving me, how much I had advanced in my recovery, "Buddy" from the gym (LOL!), how I forgot to pay my toll bill (Dammit) and what lay ahead for me.

And then I thought about how I should just stop thinking and enjoy the walk. I put on Bastille’s “Bad Blood” album and took in every lyric. As I walked through the part of the trail that cut through the McMichael Art Gallery, I suddenly became aware that I was surrounded by artists. I looked at all their pieces and mediums; pencil and charcoal drawings, pastel, paint. It was refreshing to see something like this. I remembered my art drawer at home filled with all kinds of supplies and wondered why I stopped drawing, painting, sculpting and jewellery designing. That stuff had been sitting there for so long that I probably had to throw most of it out.

I realized that I had given up so much of my creativity because I was too busy backing my ex up in his artistic endeavours. I had none left for myself. I was too exhausted to even think about pursuing my own artistic passions because I so badly wanted him to be happy doing what he loved to do. I had no time to waste doodling, because I had to work to back us up financially. The last thing I wanted was for him to resent me in the future because I hadn’t allowed him to make a real go at being a musician. And in the end, it somehow backfired on me anyways.

Funny how this subtle life lesson (and further reminder of why I’d never get back with my ex) had crept its way into an otherwise event-free hike. 

I finished my walk and headed home. I decided on a nap (okay, I failed to mention that I woke up a tad hungover) and a movie (“So I Married An Axe Murderer”). Good choice. I woke up, showered, and got back into the car. I still had trouble spending too much time at home, so I decided on a long drive to Belfountain. I loved the drive and had been there on several Sunday afternoons with my ex, so it was time to reclaim it as my own.

It was a lovely drive. The weather was perfect. I drove slowly throughout the Forks of the Credit and deliberately got a little lost. No one was there to tell me where to go or tell me the same fucking story about “the trout caught at this part of the river on this type of fly” or how “those people shouldn't be fishing there”.

Gorgeous.

“I’ve never been so ready for this,” I thought to myself. “I can do this.”

MUSIC: “Pompeii”, “Things We Lost In The Fire”, “These Streets” by Bastille, “Secondhand Rapture” by MS MR, “Waste of Time” by Mø, “Set It Off”, “Revelations”, “Show Me How To Live” by Audioslave, "This Is The Best" by U.S.S.

MOOD: Enlightened, Happy, Relaxed, Optimistic

And If You Don’t Love Me Now, You Will Never Love Me Again

Said wedding with my best friend, Melissa. We looked smokin'!! August 2013.

"Listen to the wind blow
Watch the sun rise
Run in the shadows
Damn your love
Damn your lies
And if
You don't love me now
You will never love me again
I can still hear you saying
You would never break the chain."
                                                     "The Chain"- Fleetwood Mac

One of the hardest things for anyone who finds themselves newly single after the break-up of a long-term relationship is going through the “firsts” of everything; holidays, special weekends, birthdays, anniversaries….and weddings.

Ughhhh. Less than a few weeks after the split, I had to attend my best friends’ sister’s wedding. My ex was the hired photographer for the day, so naturally we were going to attend together. Pre-split. What were my options, really? Cancel at the last minute, crawl into a hole, and die? Although I was recuperating pretty well, I was NOT ready to go to a wedding, let alone one that he was going to be at…so what was I to do?

Buy a hot dress, get pampered for the first time in forever, and make the entrance of a lifetime. That’s what.

Money was really no option at this point. I put off depositing the bulk of my paycheque into my Savings account as I had done for a year and a half before (with the intention of buying a house or planning a wedding), and used it towards bringing out my inner, newly-single Goddess. Besides, the wedding was full of people I knew well, so I was going to have fun. Weddings are a celebration of the commitment and love between two people…even if your love-life had come crashing down around you two weeks prior.

After the ceremony that morning (and seeing my ex again), I went by the brides house to give my well wishes to the family and headed home.  I showered and did a deep cleansing facial mask that I had sitting in my bathroom cabinet for ages. It felt refreshing. My skin was clear and irritation free (from the constant stubble my ex had taken to sporting), and I had noticed a new glow. I went to get a mani/pedi for the first time in almost a year and a half. I relaxed and listened to my iPod as I remembered how much I enjoyed the exfoliating leg massage. Then I got my hair and makeup done. Because I could. I had no one to answer to, text, check up on or report to.

As I settled into the makeup chair for my appointment, the makeup girl asked me what I wanted, what colour I was wearing, etc etc etc.

“Listen. I’m going to be totally honest with you. I’m going to a wedding tonight that my ex-boyfriend of eleven years is going to be at. I need to look good.”

My makeup girl stopped rushing to get her makeup brushes ready and turned to me.

“Oh my God. You don’t understand how much I love hearing that. Forget what I just said. We’re going to make you look hot!”

I walked out looking like a new person. This girl knew her shit. I rushed home, got my dress on, and looked at myself in the mirror. All I that went through my head were the words of the Veronica’s super-break up anthem:

“Revenge Is Sweeter Than You Ever Were.”

His double-take as I walked into the reception line was all worth it. I caught him glancing several times as he went through his evening. He couldn't even muster up the courage to say hi to me, or my date (okay, he was my best friends’ boyfriend, and a good friend of mine). I had to be one to say hi to him first.

So I dropped a casual “Hey, how’s it going?”

He looked thrilled to hear from me. “Good, how are you?” He then proceeded to pull up a chair in between my friend and me and start showing us the photos he took throughout the day. 

Interesting.

That wasn't an invitation to have a seat and be social. But my goodness, did he ever look and smell good. He always looked good in formal wear. I loved it when he dressed like that. I loved how his shoulders and arms looked in dress shirts, and how his strong legs looked in dress pants.

But I quickly snapped myself out of it, and turned my thinking towards how good I looked, and perhaps how much he missed me at that moment. And I began to enjoy myself again. I got up and danced the whole night, in my heels. I reminded myself that I had no one sitting and waiting for me at the table, and that I was in charge of no one but myself. I was able to leave when I wanted to, go out to smoke when I wanted to, and drank when I wanted to. 

For the first time in a really long time, I had a great time at a wedding. I looked good, felt good, and wasn’t worried about how much my feet hurt at the end of the night. I had a blast.

He left without so much as a goodbye that night. I remembered how we used to meet up after he was done a wedding. I didn’t even want to think about who he might have been meeting up with after this one.

But I let it go. It didn’t matter. I just thinking about the lyrics from MS MR’s “Fantasy”.

“Let myself down each time. How could it be what I wanted to see, how could you be what I wanted you to be…and my reality could never live up to my Fantasy…”

MUSIC: “Sweet Nothing” by Calvin Harris, “Fantasy” by MS MR

MOOD: Happy, Confident, Independent, Sad

I Was Raised Up To Be Admired…I’ll Fight My Own Bravado

Couldn't resist....appropriately named! August 2013

"'Cause I was raised up

To be admired, to be noticed

But when you're withdrawn

It's the closest thing

To a soap when our lives are on you

This will not do

I'm thinking glory

Lick my lips, toss my hair

And send a smile over

And the story's brand new

That I can take it from here

I'll find my own bravado."

"Bravado"- Lorde

That week was a real eye-opener for me. I spent so much time in the past eleven years ignoring male attention and suppressing my natural ability to socialize freely. I was in a happy place with my ex, and didn't feel like I needed much around me in terms of human interaction. I had him. I had met quite a few people that he had connected with in his various industries that I considered acquaintances, and as long as that made my ex happy, it was fine by me. But I had a hard time making my own friends.

I had my close circle of gal pals that I would hang out with on a regular basis. They consisted of Amanda (as mentioned previously), my best friend Melissa, whom I met in elementary school, and (funny enough) a few friends that I had reconnected with from high school. I had begun seeing my old high school friends on a more than regular basis, which should have been an indication of things to come. Even before the epic dumping, I was opening myself up to renewed friendships and really understanding what was out there.

The Saturday after we had broken up, I had asked my ex to get together to talk. He agreed. Before I proceeded to meet him, I had to get gas and try and get rid of the bug guts that had taken over my windshield. As I was struggling to rub off their carcasses with the less-than-efficient squeegee, I heard from behind me:

“Can you do my windows after you’re done yours?”

Fucking creeper. Was this what I had to look forward to being single? I turned around and discovered it was a beautiful 30-something man with a pearl white M5 BMW.

I smiled. “Well, if I can get this bug cemetery off my windshield, maybe we can work something out.”

He smiled back with a set of perfect teeth that matched his car.

“You’ve got a cute car there. How do you like driving your MINI?”

“I love it. It’s so much fun to drive.” (And I think love you, too)

“So how about that wash? Or maybe a coffee?”

WHAT?! Here I was about to meet up with my ex to get him back, and this man, who was the TOTAL opposite of said ex, was trying to get my attention. He asked for my number. So I gave it to him. And almost forgot why I was going to talk to my ex in the first place.

It was in this second week that I had my first date that wasn't my ex. At this point in my recovery, I didn't want to start dating just yet, but something told me to get out and begin meeting people. I had been to the concert earlier that week and felt like I had the world at my doorstep. So I agreed to a coffee date. We met up in a small, picturesque, Road-to-Avonlea type village about 10 minutes north of where I lived. He had a cappuccino ready for me by the time I got there.

We had some really good conversation. We talked about everything that wasn’t about fishing or photography. We talked about what we did for a living. We talked about past relationships, dating in general, and the value of staying true to oneself. Maybe it was a match, maybe it wasn’t. The worst that could come out of it all was that I made a new friend. He was intelligent, and although I didn’t feel any sparks (probably because I was still hurting over the breakup), we still talk to this day.

I had picked myself up and dusted myself off pretty well. And there was no need to fight my own Bravado.

MUSIC: “Bravado” by Lorde, “If You Leave” by Daughter, “N/A OK” by U.S.S., “Dark Of The Daylight” by Crash Kings

MOOD: Nervous, Happy, Anxious

nderneath This Skin There’s a Human; Despite This I’m Still Human

At the driving range. Balls out. August 2013

"Take me out of this place I'm in
Break me out of this shale case I'm in

Underneath the skin there's a human
Buried deep within there's a human
And despite everything I'm still human"

"Human"- Daughter

I was on a high from venturing out as a single, 30-yr old woman. I felt that I was doing really well. But I still had my moments.

The gym provided for a great outlet to get out some of the negative emotions that would creep up on me from time to time. I felt great after beating my body with weights and hard core cardio. And I was seeing great results. At this time in the third week of my recovery, I was down about 12 lbs. and began noticing muscle formation and flattening around my midsection; I fucking had ab muscles for the first time since high school! I began to notice that my thighs were becoming smaller and tighter. And the cellulite was disappearing. My trainer “A” was totally on board with me as well, pushing me to my limits physically. My old trainer “N” made my night one evening.

“Hey. How are you doing? You guys back together yet?” (He knew my ex and how long we’d been together.)

“Nope.”

“Seriously? Okay, here’s what’s going to go down from here on. You’re going to come every night, and we’re going to get you ripped. Make him regret making the worst decision he ever made.”

Fuck yeah! I was planning on getting ripped anyways. But I was glad that I had all the trainers on my side.

I found out that my ex was supposed to start at the same gym that week, as he had mentioned to me in a previous conversation that he had been “feeling so good, and started eating healthy again, and blah blah blah…”. Good for you. Apparently I had something to do with him not wanting to take care of himself. I was on the nutrition train long before we split, so I’m not sure what I had to do with his unhealthy lifestyle choices.

I was nervous about running into him at the gym. But a part of me wanted him to see how good I was looking without him and to witness the juice-heads peering at my ass as I walked to the treadmills. But why did I want to make him jealous? Why was I trying so hard to make him want me back, even though I wasn’t willing to follow through if he did come back?

I was angry. Livid at the rejection coming from the likes of him. Mad at the fact that I knew it was probably over about four years ago, and that I couldn’t break it off sooner. Here I was at the age where biology was telling me that I should be popping out kid after kid. I should have been married and in my own home. I should have been in the same position as so many other friends of mine. And even though it probably wasn’t the case, I shouldn’t have lost out to some piece of trash.

After the gym that day, I decided to go to the driving range. It had been awhile since I had been there, as I usually frequented it with my ex. I knew it was going to be tough to go by myself since I had always gone there with him, but I knew I had to start reclaiming these places as my own. I hated golf, but what better way to unleash my anger?

“Can I get a large basket please? And a driver. A big one.”

I made my way up to a mat, set myself up, focused on my positioning, pictured his face on the golf ball, and POW!

200 yards.

What the hell? I was never able to clear more than 75 yards. This was promising. I set up the ball again. Pictured “Who’s” ugly-ass face this time. 225 yards. I was on a roll. The cute guy in front me smiled  at me (when I almost hit him in the face) and asked me how long I had been golfing for.

“Uh, I don’t golf. I come here when I’m angry.”

“You must be really angry, then. You should play a course angry. And thanks for not hitting me in the face.”

I was able to have men talk to me in all my post-workout glory. Brilliant. I worked up quite the sweat going through that bucket of balls.

I left there a lot less angry. I had been missing out on positive outlets like that for so long that I was making myself sick with anxiety not only after the breakup, but during life’s regular stresses in general. Why did I stop living life only to wait around for my ex to finish whatever it was he was doing?

My strong, independent woman was coming out.

MUSIC: “This Is The Best” by U.S.S., “Set It Off”, “Revelations” by Audioslave, “Pompeii”, “Bad Blood” by Bastille, “My Songs Know What You Did In The Dark (Light Em’ Up)” by Fallout Boy

MOOD: Angry, Determined, Independent, Strong

All Along I Thought I Knew You, But It Didn't Feel Quite Right…

“All Along I thought I knew you, 

but it didn’t feel quite right.

Anybody in the world could see,

it wasn’t meant to be.

Fake a smile and only guarantee,

that nobody knows the difference.

And I’ll just keep on going down like this,

if I can’t have you.”

"All Along"- Crash Kings

  

It was the third week into the breakup. Whether it was a false confidence or not, I was feeling great. I spent the weekend with my family, ran into my ex, took one look at him and realized I missed my old Jeep more than him. I was ready to tackle my new single life by the balls.

Okay. Total lie. I ran into him and missed him JUST a bit. But as I assumed it was stress that had made him break-out badly, I knew he was trying to ignore the new-found awesomeness radiating from Yours Truly. So, that was validating.

That week, I decided that nothing was to hold me back. I made sure I followed the rules of getting over a breakup and made myself busy. Every night. 

Every day, after an intense session at the gym (where I could happily make eye-contact with my favourite Juice-heads), I did something different. My partner-in-crime Amanda had a huge influence in helping me embrace my inner single-chick. (Don’t worry, Mel, you’re coming up soon!)

On that Monday night, I accidentally found out that the Crash Kings, a band I had previously enjoyed, had come out with a new album and was playing a small club show in Toronto.  So, I downloaded their new album and bought tickets to go! Amanda, the perpetual boy-band groupie, was going to come with me. And pay for her ticket.

Holy shit. She was going to pay for her half. This was the first time in YEARS that I only had to pay for myself. It was elating.

Before I picked her up, I went to grab cash at the ATM. As I proceeded to put the cash in my wallet, I discovered that I already had $30 in there.

Oh. My. God.

I still had money left over from the previous week. I can’t remember the last time that happened. I was always the one opening my wallet because I felt guilty that my ex would pay for stuff on a VERY limited budget. And he got used to it. The poor guy did try, but it was more often than not that I was picking up the tab.

We drove downtown, shared (SHARED!) a small pizza from a local pub, had a beer, and proceeded to the club. After the bouncer finished hitting on us, we headed inside. The Standstills, a local band from Oshawa I knew about, were opening up for Crash Kings. We grabbed a couple of Heineken’s and put ourselves right up at the front of the stage. After their set, we met the band, congratulated them on a job well done, shot the shit, grabbed a smoke outside, got picked up by a group of 23 year-olds (see, I can do it, too!), and again, took our place at centre stage.

What a show! Although I had only downloaded the album that day, I knew it pretty well. And when the Beliveau brothers started belting out “All Along”, I closed my eyes and just absorbed the atmosphere in the midst of a ton of sweaty bodies. Ahhh, how I missed that.

When I went to concerts with my ex, we usually ended up in the back of the crowd somewhere. Besides the fact that I’m a mere 5’1”, I guess we felt like we were too old for the crowd thing. In hindsight, it was probably because I really couldn’t enjoy a show when the person who came with me just stood there and didn’t seem like he was enjoying himself.

Amanda and I had beers and shots bought for us throughout the night. This was kinda nice. I wasn’t really used to it. And besides the $15 spent on dinner, and another $15 spent on the ticket, I really didn’t have to open up my wallet.

I was totally becoming fabulously single. I was getting my groove back.

MUSIC: “Dark Of The Daylight” album by Crash Kings, “Awesome” by Veruca Salt, “The Love Club EP” by Lorde

MOOD: Happy, relaxed, excited, optimistic

And I Put My Faith In Something I Know…I’m Living On Such Sweet Nothing….

My siblings and I....I can always count on them for a laugh. August 2013

"It isn't easy for me to let it go
Cause I've swallowed every single word
And every whisper, every sigh
Eats away this heart of mine
And there is a hollow in me now

So I put my faith in something unknown
I'm living on such sweet nothing
But I'm tired of hope with nothing to hold
I'm living on such sweet nothing"

"Sweet Nothing"- Calvin Harris/Florence Welch

My annual family reunion was when I planned on telling everyone about our split. I was anticipating the sorrowful looks and so, I went in head first. But I was looking good and feeling good (minus the nasty hangover I was suffering from), and was ready to talk about it. My cottage was filled to the brim with a ton of family who had already heard what happened.

Wow, good news travels fast…thanks Mom.

I was met with several reactions. My Italian grandmother greeted me with “Sei troppo buona per lui. Fare bene nella tua carriera e di trovare qualcuno che fa bene e ti ama!” (Translation: “You’re too good for him. Do well in your career and find someone who does well and loves you”). Smart lady, that one. Her and my grandfather came to Canada in the 1950s for a better life for their family. And they succeeded. Three successful children, and seven grandchildren (6 girls and 1 boy), all educated and doing well in their respective careers. How was I supposed to let her down?

The general consensus from my family was that it had gone on too long without commitment; that I was better off, and that I would find someone soon. I knew that. It was no secret. I spent the day with my cousins discussing the events that had transpired during those couple of weeks, and listened to their tales of lost loves, breakups and relationship failures. My family knows their shit. All my cousins have gone through their fair share of relationship bullshit in their lives and had some very sound advice to give. They’re a smart bunch of ladies (Yup, along with my second cousins, we’re all women with the exception of my brother. Lucky guy).

But my cousin’s husband was the only one who didn’t share the same sentiment. As I went through the day confirming that I would never get back together with my ex, "A" had something different to say.

“Are you absolutely sure that you’d never consider getting back with him? Not for anything, he’s a good guy, and maybe you both just need a break. Eleven years is a long time.”

Abso-fucking-lutely NOT!

Wait…what? I just spent the day reassuring myself and my family that it was over. Done. I wouldn’t even CONSIDER a reunion with my ex.

“Listen, before you throw out any possibilities of getting back together, take the time to make a list; a list of things about yourself that you’ll never change, even when you’re 60 years old. Like, mine, for instance. I love buying watches. I’ll never stop. Make your list and then make your decision. Think about it long and hard…things you’ll never compromise, things that make you who you are. Then get together with him. After eleven years, he at least owes you a coffee. And the worst that can happen is that you both figure out what went wrong in the relationship and understand what you need in your next one, whether it’s with each other or someone else.”

Damn. This guy was good. I figured I knew what I wanted for my future relationship and had it tucked away in a filing cabinet in the archives of my brain. But I never considered actually writing it down and taking the time to really look at what it was I wanted and wouldn’t change for anyone.

The day ended well. Filled with a lot of delicious Italian food (and Mexican food, thanks to my awesome Tia) and good family fun, I was content. Even though I had a short run-in with my (still sorta-angry) ex at a mutual friends’ event, I was feeling good (and looking fab). I drove home alone, basking in the moment and listening to The Neighbourhood and MS MR again. Traffic was horrendous, but it didn’t matter. I took my time and wasn’t in a rush to get anywhere. I just wanted to think about The List. 

I got home that night, showered, got into bed and began:

1.      Never compromise my goals and beliefs for anyone.

2.      Constantly surround myself with family.

3.      Never feel like I’m trying too hard to be someone I’m not.

4.      Never feel as if I’m pushing someone.

5.      Never feel anxious or unsure of my life. I’m in a good place right now and should always take care of my own needs before anyone else’s.

6.      Never stop doing the things I love because of someone else.

7.      Never lose sight of who I am, what I believe in, and what I deserve.

8.      Never get taken advantage of.

9.      Never let anyone make me feel worthless, and fight for what I deserve.

10.   Find a partner who’s:

·        Strong, goal-oriented,  and successful

·        Can take care of me when I need it

·        Supports me

·        Is silly with me

·        Will dance with me (no matter how ridiculous he looks)

·        Shares in the things I love to do

·        Smart and makes logical decisions

·        Loves me for who I am

·        Constantly works to make our relationship better

·        Takes initiative

·        Who is my equal

·        Wants to be with me and make me happy.

It took me 10 minutes to make the list.

And I knew there could be no chance for reconciliation between us. Two out of twelve points was not a good score.

MUSIC: “Fantasy”, “Hurricane” & “Head Is Not My Home” by MS MR, “Let It Go”, “W.D.Y.W.F.M?” & “Flawless” by The Neighbourhood, “Panic Switch” by Silversun Pickups, “This Is The Best” by U.S.S., “The Chain” by Fleetwood Mac

MOOD: Content, relaxed, accepting, exhausted, hungover (is this considered a mood?)

"When I Wake Up, I'm Afraid...Somebody Else Might Take My Place"

"You're too mean, I don't like you. Fuck you anyways.

You make me want to scream, at the top of my lungs.

It hurts, but I won't fight you. You suck anyways.

You make me want to die, right when I...wake up, I'm afraid, somebody else might take my place..."

"Afraid"- The Neighbourhood

Oh, The Neighbourhood.

The brilliant little Cali-based band who brought us "Sweater Weather". I heard the song over and over on the radio before, and liked it, but never pursued the band.

During the week that I had my revelations about myself and my recently-doomed relationship, I heard another track from their album "I Love You". Ironic, eh??

The track was called "Afraid'. And it rang all too true. I immediately sampled the rest of the album. And I fell in love.

This was a major breakthrough for me. Not only was the album an exact indication of my feelings and emotions, but I had started to explore new music again. And enjoying what I was hearing.

That weekend I headed up to our cottage (or, Summer Home, as most of you would probably call it). All my cousins were heading up for the weekend, and the rest of the family was coming up on the Sunday. This was the weekend I was planning to break the news to everyone.

At this point, I was working out on a regular basis, seeing great results, taking care of myself a little more than I was before, and started getting my appetite back. I had even hung out with a few new acquaintances (if you catch my drift), and I was beginning to feel validated. I was feeling really good. Optimistic, as a few may say. 

I drove up alone, just me and my MINI, listening to the The Neighbourhood. I was relaxed, and relating to every word out of Jesse Rutherford's mouth. I remembered long ago, when I used to love taking long drives alone and listening to a good album. I found the album content oddly coincidental and deep, even if the songwriter was a whole 21 years of age. I was in a really, really good place.

One particular song really got me. "Afraid" as displayed above. Just listen to it. You would think that a song like this would totally undo any progress I was making. But it didn't.

I hated him. Couldn't stand him. Didn't even want to communicate with him, see him, even think about him. But as much as I was feeling this, I couldn't stand the thought of him being with someone else...

...until I really thought about it and realized that, if someone really wanted to put up with the shit I had for eleven years, they would have some VERY big shoes to fill. 

So, best of luck with that. After all, I had started seeing a few people here and there, so he absolutely had every right to do the same thing.

The anger subsided into a major self-esteem boost for me, and I started to embrace my inner music geek and live in the moment.

MUSIC: I Love You by The Neighbourhood, Secondhand Rapture by MS MR, Waste of Time by MǾ
MOOD: Elated, Relaxed, Nervous, Anxious, Optimistic

From A Little City With Expensive Taste...Let It Go

First night out with one of my besties...the happily single Amanda! And I just realized this filter makes me look like I have a beard...August 2013

"Shouldn't try to fix it if it keeps getting better, 

Just let it go, forget it for ever and ever and ever 

Don't ever resent a letter inside a single word written, 

A little change can play lanes with the right vision. 

Couldn't tell what would happen next 

But as weeks went by look what turned to best. 

Let it struggle just a little more, 

Let it struggle just a little bit more. 

Remember what the people said, 

Remember what the people said, 

When it's said and done, 

Let it go"

"Let It Go"- The Neighbourhood

The second week was still tough, but I was improving rapidly. A little too rapidly. Not that I'm complaining about improving that quickly, but I was concerned that I was inadvertently suppressing emotions that I needed to get out.

During that week, I began to heal my inner-self. I went to see a Medium, my BodyTalk practitioner, and a Therapist. 

My medium told me some very interesting things, and called out a lot of my issues. I guess this was my way of reassurance. Of course I take it all with a grain of salt, but it helps to get a little perspective on things, even though it may or may not happen. I went into the appointment fully ready to fight for my ex and win him back, using the "who" as the driving competition (think of it as a Sean Avery-Dion Phaneuf type deal-sloppy seconds). I ended up leaving relaxed, rejuvenated, and happy. Happy. What the hell? That's the moment I began to realize that it wasn't me who was the problem. It was him. And he didn't deserve me. But someone else does.

My BodyTalk session was a great release. BodyTalk is a method of releasing inner emotions stored in your organs to prevent further illness. It's a great method of practicing your breathing, releasing pent up feelings of anger, betrayal, jealousy, and a myriad of other toxic emotions, and just an overall re-balance of the mind and soul. Although I was raised Roman Catholic, I don't consider myself religious. I am however, very spiritual, and believe in the balance of body, mind and soul. 

My therapy session was the beginning of "the change". My ex's words kept ringing through my head...

"You'll never change."
"I don't feel comfortable with going to counseling, but if it will help you COPE, I will."

I was so worried about getting him back that I didn't even let these words sink in. I realized it after hashing it out with my therapist, and it hit me: I wasn't the one who had to change, and I was coping just fine. 
I did everything for him, took care of him both financially and emotionally. I CHANGED for him. And coming to therapy to help me COPE? It's called "fixing the relationship", not "coping". I sure as fuck never needed him to help me cope with anything, and I sure as shit don't need it now!

Pow! I was the one who had changed. I became a different person because of him. And I totally lost sight of myself and the things I loved to do.

This is why the No-Contact things works. You look back on the relationship and understand what went wrong without outside influence from your ex. You re-evaluate why you want your ex back and most of the time, you really accept the fact that you don't. This is supposed to be the final stage of the grief process.

Acceptance. After...a week-and-a-half??!! That's it?

My therapist told me that was totally normal. That I probably checked out of the relationship long before he pulled the plug. And I think I did. I was sick of pushing him to reach his potential, of backing him up in his career-choice-of-the-day, of being there financially and emotionally for so long, and doing everything for him. He wasn't giving back. And he never would.

Let's be honest here. He was a very sweet, sensitive and loving person. But he was selfish. Completely, and utterly selfish. And I accepted that. 

The anxiety and nervousness was gone. I felt new, alive, refreshed, and relaxed.

At that moment, I began to change back to my old, fun-loving, active self again. That Friday night, I treated myself to a brand new (size 8!) dress, and went out for my cousins birthday. I met new people, made new friends, and even began acting silly again.

And I began to rediscover my love of music...

MUSIC: I Love You by The Neighbourhood, Secondhand Rapture by MS MR (great breakup albums)
MOOD: Relaxed, elated, refreshed, at peace

Get Your Ex Back....And Other Internet Lies.

Trying out my first "selfie"...August 2013

The internet is riddled with articles, books, YouTube series, and all kinds of other shit on getting your ex back. When you really think about it, they all have that one common tactic. The "No-Contact" solution. Honestly, at this point in my recovery, I'm also ashamed for even looking this nonsense up. Not as ashamed as the psycho-stalking tactics that I utilized, but pretty close.

I was convinced that he just needed time and space. So I was giving it to him. I still couldn't get over the urge to text or contact him, as it was a major part in the relationship in order to stay close when we couldn't necessarily BE close. In addition to the No-Contact bull, the next step in the guide was to "focus on yourself and your well-being". 

Smart words. Smarter results. And a shifty tactic on the part of those so-called internet relationship gurus.

After the initial emotional roller-coaster that I endured that previous week, I decided that this was the time for me. I did the things that I put off for so long, like getting a new phone (well, mostly because my old Blackberry was his hand-me-down). I removed myself from my comfort zone. That first weekend, I visited a lot of old friends and family. Alone. I talked everything out. I expressed my emotion. I cried. I laughed. I told my co-workers who cried with me (you can only hide something like that from your work family for so long). I still felt the anxiety in the pit of my stomach, and it felt like it was getting worse. But I kept using therapeutic outlets such as Twitter to express my grief. 

Ugh. He had Twitter, too. And was having candid conversation with that "who" I described in my last post. It killed me. And then of course curiosity got the better of me, and I took a little look/see at Who's feed. 

Bad. Fucking. Idea.

Let's just say that what I saw was not what I should have seen in that emotional state. And of course when I confronted my ex about it, he defended and denied. And he was angry. Still. 

My Get-Back-With-Your-Ex plan had new meaning to it. It became a game. And mind games are never the answer.

I deleted my account soon after and haven't looked back. I swallowed my pride and apologized to him for the angry confrontation, and decided that I was going to stick to not contacting him and REALLY focus on myself. 

You'll understand why this No-Contact thing works in the way you least expect it in my next post.

MUSIC: Lot's of Fiona Apple, Filter (really angry), Love Interruption by Jack White, Head Down album by Rival Sons
MOOD: Anxious, nervous, hurt, angry, optimistic